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Monday, April 9, 2012

Lets Talk About Sex.... Baby.

Since having a baby I have been dreading the sex question. The where do babies come from question. Parker has been with us through three pregnancies. He has seen my belly grow and contract each time. Never did he ask how the baby got there. In fact, when he started asking about sex it had nothing to do with babies and had everything to do with pop music.
Maybe Kevin Bacon's girlfriend's dad in Footloose was right. Dancing causing problems and so does that evil pop music.  Parker was singing I'm sexy and I know it. After explaining that kids can't and should never be sexy, he thought it was a cuss word which made it even more appealing.  The other night out of no where he asked me what the S.E.X was.
 I told him to wait and I would tell him in a minute. I folded socks and told his younger brother to go downstairs.  When Jack did, I sat on the bed and and had a brain block. I said sex is a grown up thing and you should respect yourself. It didn't even make sense to me. He was looking at me with big brown eyes and I told him to ask his daddy.  I pushed Parker out of the way and rushed downstairs and told Don I had completely screwed that one up and that it was his turn. After Parker picked himself up he came down to Don and said "Daddy what is the sex?"
 He told Parker that he couldn't explain it in 15 minutes and it was his bed time and he would tell him later.  Another road block for Parker. Frustrated, he left saying "why won't anyone tell me what the sex is!" I felt bad. Wasn't it suppose to be the other way around? We were suppose to approach him?
Now I'm being pursued and harassed by my own son to tell him something that I don't where to begin. I want to be sure that he knows he needs to love and respect the girl, and that no means no etc. etc. But he is just wanting to know what the big deal is. How do I weave in all of that for a 9 year old?
We agreed that we would tell him Friday night. I would have time to get a book to use as a visual because I sure as hell wasn't going to draw pictures or even worse google it.
 I went to the bookstore and searched until I found a little tiny section with books with titles like. "Whats the big secret?" and "A boys guide to his body" or "What is going on down there?" I grabbed one that I thought had nice pictures. As I was standing in line I started to flip through it and to my horror I opened up right to the page about wet dreams. I screamed inside. WHAT? no no no no no no no.  So back I went to the tiny section and chose a more  age appropriate book. I brought it home and showed it to Don.  I know how Don's parents educated them about sex. His Dad, (not his mom I might add) a Colonel in the Army sat his brother and him down one night and told them the ins and outs (no pun intended) and that they need to be careful, and if they knew what a condom was. That is all good and great but the problem was they were 16 and 17. A little too late there pops.  My situation was a bit more horrific. *graphic language warning*
I was in 3rd grade and Sam, a little boy in my class, and I were hanging upside down on the jungle gym. Some how the conversation led him to tell me to suck his dick.  I had no clue what he was talking about, but I did like to suck on suckers, and if dick was a sucker than SURE!
Later in the car I asked my mom what it meant to suck a dick.  I believe she slammed on the breaks and protected me with the arm seat belt. We made a sharp turn into a McDonald's parking lot where she gave me the technical details which I found completely revolting and she assured me that I wouldn't need to worry about it because sex was only when you are married.  So there are the two backgrounds of the two parents who are about to explain sex to our son. We decided to invite our 7 year old into the conversation just for the heck of it.  We called them up from downstairs and said we had a book. Parker was excited. Finally he was going to find out what sex was. I decided now was a good time to get a glass of wine.  As Don began to talk about girl parts and boy parts I couldn't stop giggling. When I heard my son say, "I don't get what a vulva is" I lost it and was in full on church giggles. Parker was watching me like a hawk. Kids read their parents expressions when they need reassurance. Much like I watch flight attendants on a plane. If they look freaked out than the plane must be going down.  By the time we got to rubbing certain areas is called masturbation Parker decided he needed to get a drink too.  Fin was just taking it all in like it was a bedtime story. Don was a pro, he was teaching them just like he taught every other kid math every day. But if I were in his class I would have been in the hall by now. He kept giving me dirty looks as if to say "grow up". I couldn't help it! I was a giggling mess. We finally got to the nitty gritty and Parker was shocked to find out that the actual purpose of sex was to have babies..not so "sexy" anymore huh? Followed by horror and disgust. "That is SO disgusting!" "Do I have to do that?" That is where I finally spoke up and said a confident "NO!" He then asked if teenagers do that. We said yes, but they shouldn't unless they want a baby. Parker then asked if we did that. "Well, how do you think you got here?"  Don said. He looked at us as if we had the plague. That was it. The book was over.
We explained that this was a private matter that we talk about in our home and not with our friends.  I told them if they ever had a question to come to me (but I didn't mean it.)  Think about it. I have 4 boys who will all be teenagers at the same time. Add Don into the mix and our house will probably be grand jack off central, I shutter at the thought.
The next day Parker was playing outside for 10 minutes when he came in and said "I told Joey about our book"  I angrily asked him if he forgot about the word PRIVATE meant.  Don over heard the conversation and was equally upset.  " You need to go tell his mom." Why me? I couldn't even speak during the dissertation, how am I going to go tell a mom that my 9 year old told her 7 year old about sex?  Fine.
I  casually walked over and knocked on the door. She answered. Damn it. I told her that Parker had explained the birds and the bees to her son. She just stared at me. I then thought that was a cue to give her the sex talk. "We told him about the penis and the vagina..." She interrupted me and said that she was fine with it, and that it was a good time to bring it up. Geez. She is much cooler than I was.
I find it odd that my son now knows where babies come from but still believes in Santa. I was tempted to just put it all out on the table, the Easter bunny, tooth fairy, elf on the shelf..but I decided that can wait, he has enough to think about.

1 comment:

  1. Tears are streaming down my face...this is HYSTERICAL and almost exactly how I pictured it going....you with church giggles while Don takes over. lol Am glad that is over with and like I said, you will never have to do it again. It will now be "go ask your brother"