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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What is Sexy?

I recently had the realization that my husband and I have been together for 13+ years.  That is crazy, especially when I think about how I used to measure relationships in months. Not surprisingly those relationships fizzled and died. The longest one I had prior to Don was 3 years. Well, total, not including several intermittent break ups.  The year mark was the crucial turning point in any relationship I had and if I made it that long without getting annoyed with the person( or vice versa) then we were on the road to success. Obviously, Don was the lone survivor.
My niece (15 years old) recently asked me how I knew Don was "the one", and I poetically told her that he was the only one that I didn't get tired of.  Of course there is more to that, but that is quite possibly, the honest to God truth. And after all these years its still true.
What amazes me though, is that I learn something new about our relationship every so often that if I had known this, lets say 12 years ago it would have made our lives much better.   I was watching Don the other day change a diaper.  Oscar loves Dora the Explorer, so Don was making him laugh with a narrative
First, you go uuuuuup the leg, then oooooover the belly to the pity party!!! (a pity party is when Don tickles Oscar's arm pit).  I could hear Oscar hysterically laughing and I thought, damn, that's sexy. Not the narrative so much, but the vision of Don enjoying changing his son's diaper.
Did I ever dream that seeing a dad in a mini van would be attractive? Never.  In college, I don't ever recall seeing a man in a minivan. Why? Because they might as well have been invisible.  I also didn't find fellow college guys attractive. The only time I did was when I was in high school.  Once in college I discovered that the majority of them were extremely immature. I did find my professors appealing. Why? Because they were confident and smart.  And because they had a drink with the purpose of enjoyment, not to get smashed.
Don does things on a daily basis that I think are the sexiest things on Earth. Rolling up his sleeves, exposing his forearms to wash dishes. Sexy.  Bringing coffee to me in the morning while I'm in the shower so when I get out it will be there. Sexy. Watching him do something he loves to do, (yard work). Sexy. I could go on and on and this morning wasn't any different.  Its the little things that I
(and most married women) find extremely appealing. Unlike a man standing there naked. I recently had a conversation with girlfriends and there seems to be an epidemic of husbands flashing their wives.  It does nothing for us, unlike men, some of us are not just visually stimulated. Just FYI.
So I started to wonder what Don found attractive about me, even after all these years, so I decided to ask him. This is the fatal flaw that I should have discovered years ago. I don't ask Don these sorts of questions for information, I ask them for acclamation.  Before I ask the question I already have the perfect answer in my head and when he doesn't say what I like, I become very mad at him.  Honesty does not help him out in this situation.  Here are few example of questions and the answers I got, vs. the answers I wanted.
Me: What do you find sexy about me? His answer: "When I just saw you naked in the shower and your waist curves right where it should above your butt" (followed by a primal grunting sound)
What I wanted to hear: " When I see you rocking a baby to sleep, and your hair is a little messy, you simply look beautiful and sexy"
Me: Ok, but what do you find sexy that isn't part of my body? His answer, after a very pregnant pause: "I think you style is sexy, like when you are getting dressed and you put your heals on first and then your dress." followed by a very crude gesture with his body that looked like humping air. * note, I swear he is not a teenage boy even though his responses clearly reflect that.  What I wanted to hear:
"On Saturday mornings when you first wake up, there is a beautiful glow about you when you are rested, especially when you are not wearing an ounce of makeup."
As you can imagine I was growing more and more frustrated with his answers so I thought I would give him one last chance with a simple question.
Me: What did you find sexy about me when we were first dating? His answer: "Your front...and your back, but mostly your front (as he gestures to my boobs) What I wanted to hear:  "The same thing I find sexy now, everything, you really haven't changed." Ok, now I know that is a stretch, but its what I wanted, NEEDED to hear today, a day I feel chubby.
Frustrated, I said, ok and he left.
What I know about Don is that he is a bit guarded. He had a girlfriend in college who was kind of like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, but this girl didn't boil a rabbit, she boiled Don's balls, (metaphorically of course).
And I suppose I have also contributed to his fear. When we first started dating I flirted by asked him, What kind of girl do you think is sexy?. His answer: Beyonce...or Asian girls.  What I wanted to hear: "An athletic girl with blond hair and brown eyes". NOT something that I can't even compete with because a) I'm not black and b) I'm not Asian. From now until the end of his life he will always get a dirty look or snide remark from me when ever Beyonce or an attractive Asian is on tv.
What I fail to recognize is that to him, asking me to be his wife, and wanting me to be the mother of his children and wanting to grow old with me is more than enough assurance that I am,  and always be his number one girl. But maybe someday in the next 60 years he will have the ability to say the answer I want to hear, even if it is "You are better looking at 95, then you were at 20" or better yet, maybe I will learn to stop asking those questions.

1 comment:

  1. I love the narrative of what Don said versus what you thought he should have said. Am glad you didn't actually get mad at him though for begin honest :) Guys can't win. Good one again Noelle! Your honesty is sexy ;) lol