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Friday, March 30, 2012

Running out of Coffee in the morning is a warning sign...

  I must like living in the fast (carpool) lane. If my plate was paper it would have collapsed with all the things I pile on it. When we booked a trip to Arizona last Fall, I thought I had enough time to get ready. I don't think 9 months could get anyone ready to fly with 4 little boys.  Back then, we didn't have a puppy. Now we are boarding 2 dogs but need to pay double (obviously) but also because Wally can't be exposed to other dogs because he has not had his final immunizations.  "I didn't plan on when he was going to be born" I explained to Don.   But just think, in a week I will be baking myself in the sun in my parents retirement community where the median age is 73. Ahh this is the life.
The new puppy is only one more thing to add to my morning and makes me about 5 minutes later than usual. Five minutes that grants my boss the satisfaction of scowling at his watch when I walk in.  I'm not a air traffic controller, I work in publicity, and last time I checked, there wasn't a life or death situation going on prior to 9 a.m. And its nothing new, I have come into work every day at the same time. What he doesn't realize (even after 5 years) that I am not just hitting the snooze button.  For the record, I have NEVER hit the snooze button.
Today the odds seemed to be stacked against me.  At 4:55 a.m. my alarm went off and I took my dogs out, I hope my neighbors never decide to gaze over the fence at this time, because if they did they would see me shivering in a tank top, underwear and slippers.
I then return inside to put on my workout clothes that I laid out the night before, apparently forgetting that I hadn't shaved my legs in a week. Oh well, if someone at that gym is that close to me to notice than maybe they will learn to give me my space next time.
There is a woman at the gym who I have declared as my archenemy. Some how everyday she pulls out in front of me, drives too slow, backs into her parking space (a huge pet peeve of mine) causing me to have to wait.  When we actually get into the gym she has decided to hang out on all the machines I want and by the time I am done working out I walk into the locker room right when her naked moon is rising. Good for her for being at the gym, but if my butt looks anything like that when I am 45 I may look into butt implants. Where did it go?
By the time I arrive home,  Don is up and he has attempted to wake up the boys .  I am the only morning person in my family and this is very apparent.  I walk in to see only a peacock of hair sticking up over the couch. Fin went to bed with his hair wet again and even a hose wouldn't bring it down. I decide to let it go.  A morning in our house isn't complete unless there is an argument. This morning Finegan was upset that I packed him a sack lunch in a sack. They are going on a field trip, and I had instructions to do so, but he insists that he can bring his lunch box.  Parker is getting attacked by Wally. After reciting our daily breakfast menu Parker said he doesn't know what there is to eat.  Its not hard kid, its the same thing ever day, and I make the executive decision for him to get it himself.  Jack is screaming "Fin called me a tattle tail!" Fin called me a tattle tail!",  he is incriminating himself, but he doesn't realize this.
After about 10 minutes I instruct everyone to get upstairs and brush their teeth. Parker is dumbfounded with this request because he hasn't eaten breakfast yet. I wonder what in the hell he has been doing for past 10 minutes? Don had a  b.s school corporation meeting so the older two take the bus. I send them out at 7:25 a.m. 5 min. prior to the buses arrival. When they are gone I am left to get myself and the younger two ready. Jack has been preoccupied with making movies of himself on imovie. I will deal with his narcissism later.
Oscar is still sleeping and not thrilled to get up.  I get him dressed and put on his new Tom's shoes I got him. They are very cute with little crossbones all over.   He is saying nana on repeat because he only has been eating bananas lately.
I get myself ready..sort of. If I had one wish I would wish for a stylist and a hair dresser at my house every day. My clothes would be laid out and there would be a guy (possibly a Ryan Reynolds look alike) there waiting to do my hair. Because I don't have this, I am forced to wear what I think is kind of cute based on a vague memory of an outfit I saw on Pinterest and my hair is going to be in a knot on top of my head.  Or.. a chignon, yeah that's it.
I realize that Wally has run by me and this can only mean he has something he shouldn't. Oh look, its Oscar's new shoe.  I find Oscar and put it back on.
At 8:15 the two older ones saunter into the house. Wait, shouldn't they be on a bus to school? Just then a neighbor calls and tells me the bus never showed up. I can't tell you how much confidence this gives me with our local school system. Our neighbor offers to take the boys if he had room in his car but....he doesn't, so I offer to take his girls.  Why not, I have a minivan after all. Now I have 6 kids in my house.
For a brief moment I glanced in the review mirror, is that Michelle Dugger I see in my reflection? Finally I'm in the car with my 20 kids securely fastened. At this point I would reach down to have my first sip of coffee, but today we ran out, that should have been my first sign.  I look back, Oscar's shoe is missing again, I look to the garage and see that I have run it over. Why did these shoes cost so much if they can't stay on his feet! I don't think I can return a run over, chewed on shoe now. I drop the neighborhood off at school first, Bye  Jedidiah, John, Jordan, Jerusalem etc..( that is a Dugger reference in case you missed it).
I drop the baby off second, make very small chit chat with our daycare lady so I don't seem rude, but as I'm leaving she tells me I have a fuzzy on my butt. What? It turns out it isn't a fuzzy, its a half chewed on button (damn puppy) and she tells me she can't let me go to work like that, so she vanishes to the house for 20 min. to find scissors to cut the button off my butt.  A nice image for the kids.
I'm on my home stretch and I have to drop off Jack. We arrive to his school and the teacher says "oh mommy looks tired" First of all, I hate it when someone other than my child calls me mommy. Secondly, that is not a compliment.  I explain that I'm just not in the mood to go to work today. She explains that she isn't either. WAIT. She teaches MY son, what do you mean you don't want to be there? It is a privilege! I'm almost gone when another mom comes in and explains that she is going on the field trip. Oh crap. I forgot he is going to the same field trip place Finegan is. How could I forget this? They fight like crazy but somehow can't wait to see each other on a field trip. I forgot a sack lunch, well, I have a granola bar, that should work.  Jack asks me why I can't go on the trip, I explain I have to work, I don't get into the fact that his daddy is a teacher and makes a ridiculous salary compared to the professors I work for, but we can save that for his bedtime story.  The teacher comes to my defense and says " Mommy needs to go to work" to which he says " but you can look at youtube at home later" In his 4 year old mind that is what I do all day at work. What he fails to recognize is that I also look at facebook and pinterest and on occasion yahoo too.
I leave and I find some solace in my walk from the parking lot to my office. That is until I see a nun and carrying a lunch bag that looks identical to the one that I am missing. Apparently when she found Jesus she found my lunch bag too. I consider it a gift from me to her, she doesn't make money after all and whatever she does make she gives to the church, so in away I too am giving to the church. For a brief moment I wonder why I didn't become a nun and briefly fantasize that if I was a nun my style or shaving my legs would not be an issue.
I decide that I'm late anyway so I will stop in the campus Starbucks quickly. The line is wrapped around the hall. I make the executive decision that I don't care and I will wait.  I stand in a line of texting drones.  While passing the pastry case I realize that I haven't had breakfast, so I'm going to treat myself to a big ass muffin. I sacraficed my granola lunch/breakfast away to my son so I'm going to splurge.When I finally order my non-fat triple shot latte I realize I have forgotten my wallet.  At this point I want to ask God why has he forsaken me.
I literally get teary eyed and ask the Starbucks girl if I can please please pay her tomorrow. I am a desperate mother who is starving and caffeine deprived. She pauses. I'm about to go into full on sobbing when she agrees. She doesn't realize this, but she just may have just saved my life.
By that time I have arrived at my office door to see my boss looking at his watch. I want to explain myself, but before I can say anything, I realize that my muffin is far more important.
The lesson learned is if you run out of coffee first thing int he morning it can only mean one thing, go back to bed.  And with that I tapped into my inner Michelle Dugger and waddled on into my office.

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