I stood at the edge of a 20-inch wood box. I had already jumped on it 28 times and I had 2 more jumps to go. It was 5:45 a.m. on a Friday. I hadn't had a particularly great week so far. In fact, the day before had been one of the worst days I have had in a few years. Sweat was running down my chest, my tank top was drenched, my high ponytail was no longer a high pony, and looked more like a style a colonial boy would wear. People were starting to leave the gym. I stood there staring at this stupid box wondering why I even do this to myself. Then a far off voice yelled, "You've got this!" I'm not sure who yelled it. It could have been my coach, a workout friend, Jesus Christ, my imagination. I don't know, but I heard it loud and clear. I thought about it and as I often do, got completely lost in thought for an undetermined amount of time until the voice said
"Come on, Gunn"... My maiden name, this person whoever it is, must seriously want me to finish this workout. I lifted my body, which felt twice as heavy as it did than when I walked in, off the ground twice to finish the damn workout.
Who was this voice, telling me that "I got this"? How does he know? I'll tell you what he didn't know. That less than 24 hours prior I was in the corner of the restroom at work sitting on the floor of the handicap stall crying in frustration. It was my pressure cooker moment. I had been putting a lid on all my worries and doubts for a long time. And at that moment, it was just too much. I've got this? Well, what I had in that bathroom moment was confirmation that I wasn't good enough to accomplish something I had so desperately wanted. What I had was other people telling me that that I didn't have this. What I had was an accumulation of every insecurity about myself displayed on an imaginary table for me to peruse. I can try and be poetic about this, but when you don't get what you want, it really sucks. I was told that if you work hard you can achieve what you want. At that moment, sitting on the bathroom floor it didn't feel like it.
I'm not a woman who cries very often. I'm aware this isn't healthy and it is one of the many things about myself I'm working on. So if you can imagine, I was trying to muffle my sobs, while simultaneously stopping the mascara from running down my face. I would take a few deep breaths to calm myself, only to exhale and start the whole ugly process all over again. I was texting my Mom, husband and friends who knew what was going on, but all my texts seemed dark and cryptic. Like... It's over. I suck (sad emoji). Crying at work is my nightmare. I don't like people seeing me vulnerable. I started talking to myself, telling myself that my entire undercurrent of my soul is filled with being positive and building people, particularly women, up. Yet here I was getting caught up in the self-doubt and quickly being pulled under. I pity the person who came in the restroom and overheard what must have sounded like a female fight club.
Once I knew I was alone, I emerged. I blotted my cheeks in hopes to walk out of the stall not looking like I had just been punched in the face then made my way to my office.
I wish I could say, I calmed down, but I couldn't. I gathered my stuff and went home for the day. I proceeded to call one of my best friends and cry on the ride home. Once I got home, I tried to hide my tears from my boys. But then I thought this could be a lesson. They saw me work hard for something and get rejected. They saw that it is okay to feel disappointed or let down. And that you don't always get what you want.
I was gentle with myself. Don took care of driving our boys places so I could enjoy a drink (or three). I didn't move from the couch and watched mindless television while simultaneously eating chocolate, scrolling social media and making an argument to the Universe why every other person was smarter, prettier, sexier, taller and more successful than me. Eventually, I went to bed and woke up at 4:30 out of habit, took my bloated and puffy face to the gym where I stood at the box and someone yelled, "You've got this, Noelle!"
And despite everything, I believed this person. And if I believed this person, then there must be a tiny part of me that believes in me. So I jumped. And indeed, I had it. If you think about it, "this" is all we have. And sometimes "this" doesn't go the way we want and that is okay.
The sting of rejection can linger for days, sometimes years if we let it. A few days later a new friend reached out to me asking me if I had gotten what I wanted. When I told her about my disappointment I wrote if anything, this has lit a fire under me and motivated me to try even harder. She responded that she had no doubt. Another way of saying, you've got this. What I know I have for sure, is an amazing support system. I have worked hard. As hard as I can? No. But hard enough to have gained amazing friends along the way that I can reach out to.
It is okay to get knocked down once in a while. And it is totally okay to stay down, but by the count of 3, you better get your butt back up. You may be knocked down but you are not knocked out. I'm confident, as there was in my case there will be someone in your corner that will help you back up. Because there is so much more to fight for.
I've got this. You've got this. We've got this.
