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Wednesday, January 14, 2015

31 Thoughts I Have While Walking Into Work in 0 Degree Temperatures

If you read my blog enough, you know the parking situation at work stinks. There is no way around the fact that I have to park out in the middle of nowhere and walk 500 miles to reach my office.  I may also mention that I live in a place where it is cold 50% of the time.  This was my thought process this morning.

1. Who are these people that get better parking spots than me? They must wake up at 3 in the morning because there are never any parking spots left, unless you park on an end cap, but people who do that  just look like jack asses and other people are secretly hoping thier car gets hit.

2. Even though it said it was 0 degrees outside it doesn't feel that bad actually.  Apparently this North Face full length coat really is chill proof.

3.Oh my God, I don't think I have ever been this cold in my entire life.

4. I'm really glad I splurged and got these $200 snow boots, at least my feet are warm.

5. Out of all the places my parents could choose to live, why in the world did they choose South Bend?  It is colder than Chicago, but people feel sorry for Chicagoans because it is the "Windy City". Those  people have never been to South Bend in January.

6. It really is cruel joke that my parents relocate to Arizona 5 months out of the year.

7. Who convinced me to move from California back to this ice box?  Oh that's right, my husband. I'm going to add that to my list of things to bring up the next time we get into a fight about the dishwasher.

8. My face seriously feels numb. I need to go into a building and see if my nose is black. I think I may have frost bite.  I'm going to have to have my nose cut off.

9. Would it be in poor taste to hitch hike 50 feet?

10. Look at this idiot in just a wind breaker and khaki's.  Who is he trying to impress? Not me.  How is he not freezing to death?

11. I'm Scottish and Irish, shouldn't my people's body type be acclimated to cold temperatures?

12. I bet I was adopted. I have always felt a strong pull towards Mexican culture. I love Mexican food. And margaritas. That must be why I cannot stand cold temperatures. My bloodline needs warmth.

13. Maybe the reason I'm so cold is because I have such a low percentage of body fat?  But if my body fat was so low, wouldn't I look better naked?

14.  I need to schedule an appointment for a bikini wax.

15. Nevermind, that is just stupid.

16, What do we have here? A die-hard woman jogging towards me.  Really, on the coldest morning of the year? Treadmills are everywhere.  I guess my body fat theory is BS because clearly she doesn't have any and is wearing half the amount of clothes as I am.

17. When I was in fourth grade I entered an invention contest and it was an electric coat. Like an electric blanket, but it was a coat. I didn't win. I should have. I should revisit that and take it to Shark Tank.

18. Mr. Wonderful would totally invest in my company.  Then I could quit my job and move to Mexico.  But it wouldn't make sense to own an electric blanket coat company and live in a tropical climate.  Plus I would need to know Spanish.

19. Maybe I will make one just for myself.

20.  Why in the world did settlers decide to stop in this ridiculously cold environment? Maybe they found it in the summer and by the time Fall hit, it was too late, they had already colonized, built the house and tilled the field.

21. We should have soup for dinner.

22. My $200 boots just came untied.  I can't stop. The cold air is creeping in my boots and hitting my toes.  Do I take my mittens off and risk losing a finger to tie them, or do I keep them untied and risk losing a toe?  I really need my fingers to type and text. I guess it's my toes.  If I can't walk, then I may be able to convince someone to get me a heated golf cart to ride in with all the other people who wear suits to work.

23. Should I walk faster?  Nope. The wind hits my face harder.

24. I can't feel my lips.

25.  How is it that I am only half way?

26. Is that a squirrel!?  Shouldn't he be hibernating? Maybe he lost his family to frostbite and he is searching high and low for a new one.

27. I can finally see my building.  I need to go to the bathroom right away because I'm pretty sure my mascara has left skid marks on my face.

28. I wish they made flannel underwear and bras.  I wouldn't hesitate wear those and not care about visible panty lines.

29. My building is so close... yet so far away.

30. I can almost feel the warmth. Once I am in my office, I am going to drink my coffee and I am not going to leave until 5:00 p.m.  By that time my feet should have returned to normal temperature.

31. Crap, I left my coffee in my car.