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Friday, June 28, 2013

Killing Time

It has been almost a whole week since my husband left us for the summer.  It didn't exactly start off the way I had hoped.  Which all I hoped for would be some peace, so anything other than peace is what we had. Within the first morning, I had cleaned up a dogs poop. I don't know which dog, but I have a feeling its the old one.  I also heard Oscar standing up to go potty ( a new trick he has) but at the same time telling me he just went poopy.  When I investigated the seen, it was true he had pooped standing up.

So it was literally a really shitty morning.

I tried to think it was only a coincidence and not a foreshadowing of the next 5 weeks to come.  With the absence of a grown man I have found that my undertones and sarcasm go completely unnoticed.  By the end of the summer I am sure they are going to understand that when I say with fake enthusiasm
"Sure, I would love to get you another glass of milk since I wasn't in the middle of scrubbing the bathroom floor that your brother took a crap on this morning or anything". 
that I don't really mean what I say.

When I was in high school I had to write an essay about what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I said a mother.  That was it. I remember my classmates making fun of me.  Maybe because I was not what one would picture as a perfect "mom" type at the time.  But I was coming from a place of complete
sincerity. When my friends were saying lawyers, doctors, presidents, I just wanted to be at home taking care of my kids.

When I met Don and he and I agreed he could and should follow his passion to teach it was pretty evident that I was going to need to work if I wanted to have 4 kids and be able to pay for them all.  I decided that being a stay-at home mom was not in the cards for me.  Don't think I haven't brought that up to him several times too. I think I have played the martyr on several occasions especially when things get tough at work.   So before he left, he tried to put a spin on it by saying that now was my chance to be a stay at home mom.  Yes that is true, except, in my scenario my husband was home, and we had a lot of money, and children who didn't fight.

I don't know if its the togetherness or the summer but I have never seen siblings fight as much as mine have.  I try to promote a peaceful environment,  at least I think I do, well ok in my head I do.  It always happens in public too. It's like they want the world to know how much they dislike each other.  Shopping with four kids is hard, shopping with mine is impossible. I never do it.   Jack became angry when he discovered that the company that makes fruit snacks really didn't go out of business.  Parker is upset that he can't have Monster Energy drink and Oscar is screaming to get out of the cart (which there is no way in hell that is going to happen). Jack decides to ride on the back of the cart which makes it about 50 lbs too heavy to turn corners. That is when Fin decided to step up the plate as the daddy-fill-in. Telling Jack to get off.  Once he discovers that his calm voice isn't working he keeps repeating " Jack, off!, Jack, off!"

That is when I found the wine aisle. I have never wanted to escape more than that moment.  Apparently everyone in the store had never seen a woman with four boys fighting.   Being a tween Parker is very aware of everyone looking at us so he decided to pretend he wasn't with our family walking 10 feet behind. If you have seen my children, it is hopeless to pretend you are adopted. We all look alike.

By the time I was done shopping I had a cart full of junk.  So I accomplished two things, feeding my kids sugar and looking like I was stoned because I had no intention of being the next viral video of
"mother loses it at Target" sensation.  So I just ignored it with my game face.  At the check out I discovered that Jack was carrying a bottle of Chocolate wine, which he proudly told the Target lady was his.   An honest mistake coming from a 5 year old, but I decided to just go with it.  It actually wasn't that bad.

After driving a few miles down the road I discovered we had forgotten the one thing we went for. Milk.     As our grocery cart exhibited,  we are keeping General Mills in the cereal business, we cannot live without milk.  I decided to go to the next grocery store.

I was already exhibiting the signs of post traumatic stress disorder and I knew that if I took them all in with me I would seal the deal of being the next viral video sensation. So I made the decision to take the youngest in with me and leave the other three in a locked (air conditioned) car.
You know, at my regular job, if I mess up I won't get arrested, but being a parent is the only job that if you mess up you can go to jail.  Thankfully when I returned to the car, they were there, and I had the milk.  In fact Jack was even asleep. I was hoping he hadn't gotten in to his " chocolate wine".

Don has called a few times and to be honest it is just so hard to talk.  He misses us, I know, but I don't have time to sit down and chat. And when I do, I don't want to Facetime with him because if he saw me he may think I have given up. My hair would probably stay in a pony tail by itself without a holder at this point.

All this time I had held resentment towards him for choosing a career that made it impossible for me to do my dream job, and here I was failing at it.  All the rules we worked hard to enforce, like not co-sleeping have been dropped.  Oscar comes in and sleeps with me every night and I'm too tired to take him back into his bed.  I figure that I have never heard of a 13 year old boy still sleeping in his mom's bed so I shouldn't be too worried.  Ask me again in 10 years if that was a good idea.

I spoke with a friend today and told him that I was just killing time.  I had to run a few errands.  (All of which could be accomplished withOUT getting out of the car.) I found myself taking the long way.  Celebrating red lights.  Obeying the speed limit.   Listening to music, feeling the wind in my hair  and having everyone strapped in was peaceful.

Killing Time.  On any other day, I complain that I don't have enough time but here, I just admitted I was trying to kill the the thing we all strive to get more of.
When I left Parker asked me how we were killing time.  For whatever reason it made me feel really sad that I had said that.  How could I tell him that taking care of his brothers and him was making me wish time would go by faster?

I think giving the impression that you don't want to be with your child is almost worse than leaving them in the car.  Wishing that my time, that I try so hard to get during the year with them, would go by faster. On the way home I decided that maybe Don was right, this was my chance. It was what I had wanted and wished for and why not make the most of it.  If I look at it as hard, its going to be. If I look at it as fun, its going to be and if I approach it with love, maybe I will get that back.

The way they have been acting is a reflection of how I have been treating them. If I appear that I don't want to be them, why would they want to be with each other?   The poop, well maybe that is a cruel joke for my endless sarcasm, I get it....

I exert a huge effort to keep myself healthy to extend what is already too short of a life. Without trying I'm losing another day I have to spend with the people I love most. Although it may be super challenging time is all we have and the last thing I want to do is kill it.

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