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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

In my next life I want to be a single lesbian.

I came to this conclusion last night after a particularly drawn out  argument with my husband that seemed to go into extra innings, respectively pausing for a seventh inning stretch. When it should have been over it just kept going and going and retreated back to arguments that happened a decade ago.
I kept coming up with fantastic metaphors and since I was on a roll I didn't want it to end.  I knew that my metaphor about life long learning and soccer was going to change Don's life and forever go down in history as the best realization he had ever heard. Apparently it wasn't, because Don had shifted into husband-auto-pilot and was just nodding his head in agreement with everything I said. Not what I wanted and it pissed me off even more so I decided to just call the game. 
We were arguing about our oldest son. I was not happy with something his teacher said. Being that Don is a teacher (at the same school) he feels that he is in the middle. After hours of arguing, he admitted that he may not have quoted her exactly and that some things may have gotten lost in translation.  This is known as the Bermuda Triangle of the Dad/Man information feed.  Information goes in, and it processes and  IF it is delivered, it is delivered with out much thought, or emotion (or accuracy for that matter.) What was said, might have been perfectly polite but what I heard was a personal attack of our son's development, and in-turn my parenting, which leads to the conclusion that I didn't breastfeed long enough, which is a sensitive subject for me anyway.  After this argument Don has put in his resignation as the middle man for anything regarding our boys and teachers.  He said I need to go to the source.
As I drifted off to sleep I said without thought, "In my next life, I'm going to be a single lesbian".  I must have been repeating it all night because when I woke up my feelings hadn't changed.   I have had it with men and boys.
I'm just so tired of poop, the reference to it, the smell of it, and the pride that goes along with creating it.
I feel that if I were a lesbian, I would not risk even the subliminal attraction to men.  I mean a 10 on the Kinsey scale lesbian.  I also want to have a defective biological clock. I want to live in the mountains and work as a reclusive lumber jack where the only wood I encounter is in the forest.  I want to chop things.  I want to wear flannel, and Uggs and grow a beard.  There is something about Uggs that just promote laziness.  (Funny, I wore mine to work today.) I will live on a diet of chocolate,  french bread and tortilla chips.
  My son Jack has always said that before he was a baby he was a happy old man. He also has said that when he dies he will go back to being a baby.  I would like to think of myself as a Christian who gave birth to a Buddhist.  I'm not a religion flip flopper, however I do like to remain as open and non judgmental and accepting of all religions, at least the ones that promote acceptance, (which, not surprisingly are few and far between)
But if my son is right, then I want the opposite of what I have now. I have been given the gift of testicles tenfold. I live eat and breath men from the moment I wake up until I go to bed.  I wouldn't trade this gift for the world, but I would like to make a small request of the universe that if I am reborn to be reborn as a lesbian lumberjack.  I don't think that is too much to ask. 

For now though, I have been placed on this Earth, at this time to breed testosterone and I will do best I can. I may not be an expert, but I can say with 100% certainty that men and women think differently, it just is. I don't intend to change that in this lifetime, but after this life concludes, I will need an entire lifelong break from penises.


  1. BAHAHAHA! This kills me. Hard to imagine you as a single lumberjack lesbian...until I think of the picture with your gradeschool mullet :)

  2. "I have been given the gift of testicles tenfold." And this is why I love to read your blog! :)

  3. Lesbian lumberjack drinking coke, eating chocolate and handling only one kind of wood. You are SO onto something. Flocks of women will begin signing up for the lesbian lumberjack program...including me :)

  4. Bwahaha. This is just too freaking funny! Thank you, Blogger Idol, for leading me to you.

    In my household there are three male cats (all snipped) and one husband. Still too much damn testosterone in my household.