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Monday, October 11, 2010

A list of waiting room Mommies

Today I had the pleasure of taking 3 hours off of work and taking Oscar and his sidekick Jack to his six month checkup.  In the 7 years that I have been a mother I can estimate, based on the first year having at least 6 appointments plus yearly check ups and various illnesses, or things being shoved up noses, that I have been to this office at least 40 times and that does not include nurses visits.  That is more than I have been to my doctor in my life! I will never understand mothers with Munchhausen syndrome, I can think of quite a few other places I would rather be and with different company.
Because of this I have become quite familiar with the staff and the clientele. 
So I came prepared with a stash of candy and some books at home to avoid any tantrums and tiny ugly waiting room book germs.
Inevitably Jack walks to the side of the room that has, who I will call, the horse mommy sitting on it.
I call her this because her 3 yr old daughter is riding a wooden horse and this mom is speaking loudly   (to her daughter) but we all know she is speaking to be heard. She is sharing her vast knowledge of horses.  "Well your small now, but someday you can ride OUR horse, she is 8 feet tall) her daughter is not listening, but I can't help but have to. " You can ride bareback just like mommy someday"...of course you can ride bareback...
Anyway I tried to avoid all eye contact until her daughter came over and started playing with Oscar's toy. It was  hanging from his car carrier and she was swinging it to where it was going to hit his face.  That is when I find it awkward. I looked at her and said, "please don't do that, he's a baby and this is a baby toy, your not a baby right?"  This is when horse mommy galloped up.  Her hair was actually in a pony tail with several ponytail holders on it. I don't know what the proper term for this is other than, horse-like and a blast from 1984.
She didn't correct her daughter but decided to tell me about some vizio toy things.  It was then that I saw with my peripheral vision that Jack was asking a toddler girl a question and because she couldn't speak, his voice was getting louder and louder.  I needed to happily intervene to get away from horse-lady, but she KEPT talking.
Thankfully by the time I rescued the toddler girl from Jack's interrogation, " IS that your MOMMY? Is that your MOMMY?"
she and her daughter had been escorted to the back.
I then had a moment to observe the types of mommies there.
To my left, I had the  
border-line abusive mommy- She was telling her son that she was going to "smack his butt" if he didn't "git" over here.
I had the paranoid mommy- who had brought a gallon of hand sanitizer with her. She also happened to be the same mommy who Jack was speaking to her daughter, which I'm sure made her very uncomfortable.  She had a blanket and a bag of toys and pre-packaged snacks, which (Jack asked to have) just for her kid.
The image-mommy, who has her daughter decked out in the latest and greatest even a tutu, and she is also wearing a very expensive looking pair of jeans with stilettos and I want to ask her if her nanny is in that huge purse of hers. Because there is no way she had time to look like that, let alone walk in those with a 2 year old.
The image-mommy NOT this woman has a t-shirt on and her child is wearing half pajamas and half clothes, no shoes and sporting serious bed head, along with her mom.
Techno- mommy- I guess I could kind of fall into this category because I do text, check facebook and my work email while in the waiting room, but NOT to the point where my kids runs off into the street and I have no idea he even left.
The NON-MOMMY mommy- this is the women who is in denial of being a mom and is clearly dressed like she doesn't have kids ( tight sweatpants that read PINK on the butt) and her kids are glued to ninteno dsi's and she is on her phone.
The Grand Standing mommy- this is what category I would consider horse mom, because she is openly and loudly talking to her daughter like she is deaf only so others can hear her.
The Lone wolf- this is the poor dad who doesn't know how or why he got there, but just wants to leave.

I stand in waiting rooms. It may sound strange but I have to guard the exit or my son my try an escape.  I let him play with the toys. He doesn't put them in his mouth or anything.  Most of the kids that are there are not sick, they are there for shots or check ups.  Or because of the recent Similac scare they are getting their child x-rayed for insect parts. The truth is, my sons probably get their fare share of insect parts ingestion when they are outside, one bug leg never killed anyone.  I don't agree that formula should be tainted with bug parts, but the people that are freaking out are the same ones that will drive their kids through Chick-fil-A or any other fast food place with teenagers doing who-knows-what to their kids french fries.

After an hour and a half, 4 shots, 1 nasal mist and one oral dose of vaccines we are out the door, I'm back to work.  I work in the small tiny percentage of the population that does not, will not or care to have kids. They can't imagine the horror I just witnessed, and besides the band-aids and safety-pop souvenirs it is selectively forgotten it as well.

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